(Cue Music)

EPISODE TWO-AND-A-HALF
And You Thought The Empire Was Bad News

© 2002 Rogue
Logo and Star Wars characters © Lucasfilms Ltd.
With apologies to George Lucas. On second thought, no. He deserves anything he gets for giving us Episode 1, the son of a bitch.


"Destruction...hrf! Devastation...hmf! A Jedi craves not these things. And pick your nose not while talking to you I am!!"

Rogue dragged his forearm across his snout. "Sorry, Master," he mumbled.

"Sorry you are indeed, yes!" Yoda snorted. "Why took you on I did is a mystery. So much fury, so much delight in causing pain. Such things lead straight to the Dark Side."

"But the Dark Side is so much more fun..."

The big wolf's words were cut off with a yelp as the sting of a giant, invisible newspaper landed on his nose. With a soft whine he rubbed at his muzzle. "Or not?"

Yoda folded his arms and glared. "More fun the Dark Side is not. It leads to much misery. And not just for those you step on. For you, yes! Misery for you the Dark Side holds. This is why you must be trained. The Force is strong in you, and learn to use it wisely you must."

"The what?"

"The Force! What think you that we have been talking about these last six months?" Yoda's voice grew shrill. "Listen to me ever, do you? Smack you again I will!"

Rogue recoiled and covered his head with his arms. "Right! Right, the Force. That thing. I got it. Sorry."

Passersby outside the courtyard paused to smile and to shake their heads at the sight of the titan cringing before the diminutive Jedi master. Yoda was barely as large as one of Rogue's toes and he looked like a muppet to boot, but the wolf was clearly terrified of him. That itself brought great joy to the people of Coruscant. Since his mysterious appearance, Rogue had slaughtered untold thousands and laid waste to countless cities. Droids, clones, battle cruisers, nothing could stand against him.

In desperation the Senate turned to the Jedi Council. "He must be killed!" stormed Chancellor Palpatine. "Else he will destroy us all!"

Only Yoda disagreed. "So kill we must? Once again, death we use to solve our problems? Like a child is this giant. He destroys because he has no guidance. If training he had, cease would he his attacks, and a valuable ally would he then be."

Master Windu grunted and took a drag on his cigarette. "Don't need nuthin' but to slap his bitch-ass up," he growled. "Motherfucker done stepped on my speeder th'other day. Just had it detailed too. You think a wrinkly little cracker like you can train him, you go right ahead. Just do it 'fore I pop a saber-cap in his motherfuckin' skull."

Yoda noticed that the other Council members were all peering at him intently, especially the disturbing-looking one with the things on his head. With a deep sigh he lowered his gaze to the floor. "There is no choice. Train him I must, before others die."

Rogue tugged uncomfortably at the long, thin braid that hung from the top of his head. "Why do I have to wear this thing, Master?"

"Thing? This thing you say, a badge of honor it is. It shows all that you are a Padawan, and that someday a Jedi you will be."

"But did you have to glue it on?"

"No choice. Too short was your hair. Now, it is time for you to concentrate." Yoda pointed to a great block of stone that had been placed at the far end of the courtyard. His voice fell to a hypnotic whisper. "Feel the stone. Feel it in your mind. Its weight. Its surface. Grasp it now. Lift it. Bring it closer."

Rogue stared at the stone. Then he stared at Yoda. Then he took three long strides, bent down, grabbed the stone in his hand, and carried it back with a happy wag to Yoda. "Here you go, Master."

Now it was Yoda's turn to stare. His mouth hung open for several long, silent seconds and then his face hardened. Of its own accord the stone leaped out of Rogue's hand, hovered before his nose, and then abruptly fell. It landed with a thunderous boom squarely on Rogue's foot.

Yelping in pain, Rogue hopped about the courtyard, then fell back onto his rump to nurse his injured toes. "Who did that?" he barked angrily.

"I did! Moron! Idiot! Nincompoop! Oh, my head. A drink I need. A stiff drink, yes!" Yoda clutched at his ears with both hands and struggled to regain his composure. "Not his fault," he said over and over. "Not his fault. Weak is his mind. Like a child. Like a child, yes. Patience. Must have patience. Train him I must. The Dark Side must not have him. Patience, patience!"

He was much more reserved when he finally raised his head again. "Rogue. A good puppy you are, yes. Trying hard to please your master you are. This is good. But driving him crazy you are as well. Why do you listen not? Want to help you I do. So much potential, so much power. Want you not to use it wisely? Want you not to be a Jedi?"

Rogue lowered his head and closed his eyes. He sat motionless, deep in thought, his only movement a quivering of his nostrils. At last he raised his head and gazed down upon his tiny master. "What's a Jedi, again?"

"NNGGF!" was all Yoda could say before he turned and dashed away, leaving a little swirling trail of dust behind him. Rogue blinked in confusion and peered around the courtyard, then sniffed at the ground. There was no sign of his master at all.

The big wolf waited for a long time and was just about to go home when Yoda suddenly reappeared. He was much, much more relaxed. His robes stank of cigarette smoke and his breath of cheap bourbon. "Better I feel now. Need that I did. Now, patience, yes, patience is good. Now, Rogue. Watch me." Raising his hand, he gazed intently at the stone block. Before Rogue's astonished eyes it floated skyward and began to rotate smoothly in midair. "This is the power of the Force," Yoda said solemnly. "It is all around us. Even within you." The block settled to the ground once more. "Now, you try. Use your hands not this time. Think. Think of moving the stone. Feel the Force. Let it move the stone for you."

Rogue peered at the stone. "Can we eat first, Master? I'm hungry."

"NO!" Yoda shouted, and then more softly, "No. First you must learn. Do as I say. Feel the Force. Feel the stone in your mind."

Sighing dejectedly, Rogue fixed his gaze on the stone. He tried raising his hand as he had seen Yoda do. Feel the stone in his mind? A lot of people had said things like that about him before. He had no idea how it could have any relevance here. But he did not want to be smacked again, and perhaps if he humored the little wizard he'd be allowed to have some lunch. The stone. OK, feel the stone. Wanna move it. Use this Force thing, whatever.

The block quivered and then leaped suddenly into the air. Rogue yelped in surprise and jumped backward, and the stone instantly came crashing down again. "Who did that?"

"You did, yes!" Yoda fairly danced with delight. "Knew it I did! The Force is strong in you!"

"I did?" Rogue was astonished. Again he stared intently at the stone, and again it flew skyward. He imagined it spinning around, and right away it began to spin, just as he pictured it. "I guess I really did. So this is that Force stuff you're always talking about." He broke into a toothy grin. "This is so cool!"

Outside the courtyard there was a blare of a horn as a shiny transport bus drew up to its berth at the terminal. It caught the giant wolf's attention and he watched intently as dozens of meaty commuters packed themselves inside. The grin on his muzzle turned feral. A long string of drool fell from his lip and splashed to the ground between his feet and with one hand he pointed toward the vehicle. It lurched abruptly into the air and began to glide toward the courtyard, its passengers yammering in confusion within. Then just as abruptly it thudded back to the ground as the Sunday edition of the Midichlorian Times cracked once more over Rogue's muzzle. "Ow!"

"Naughty wolf!" Yoda shrieked. "Thick your skull is! Easier it would be to train that stone!"

The ghostly newspaper swatted Rogue several more times, sending him scurrying into the corner of the courtyard with his arms wrapped defensively around his head. "I'm sorry, Master!" he blubbered, and he began to whine pitifully.

Yoda sighed and looked away. He hated it when Rogue misbehaved, but he hated it even more when he did the beaten puppy thing. Even a crotchety old Jedi master's heart could not withstand much of that. After a moment he relented, and Rogue felt unseen fingers stroking at his ears. "Not your fault," he whispered. "A youngling you still are. Mistakes you still make, but as you learn, fewer will there be."

Rogue perked up a little. "I'm trying, Master."

"Yes. Trying you are. Very much so. But try not, now. Now you do." He even managed a smile, the first one in several centuries. "The Force you have learned to use. Housebroken you are. These are two important steps. Far have you come, young Rogue."

"Thank you, Master."

"But remember. Far you may have come..."

"Can we eat now?"

"Interrupt not! Far you may have come, but far you have yet to go. Much to learn, yes, much to learn. A long time it will be, but train you I will. A Jedi you must become, or away you must go."

"But I like it here."

"Oh, like it, do you? Then to stay here, some use you must have. What use have you now, hm?"

A familiar voice piped up from behind. "Oh, Master Yoda! Meesa so happy see you! Been looking allllll over for you!"

Yoda groaned. He had been so intent on his pupil that he had not felt the annoying Gungan's presence. Normally he would have fled and hid until JarJar went away. Now that he had been cornered, though, there was no avoiding him. Summoning all of his strength he resigned himself to suffering what irritation JarJar wished to inflict upon him today, and turned just in time to see the astonished Gungan's flailing body soaring into the air. JarJar's thin squeal Doppler-shifted away as he was carried by invisible hands straight into the giant wolf's gaping maw. There was a snap and a loud gulp, and the squeal ended abruptly.

Yoda picked up his jaw and then folded his arms. "Well, well," he murmured thoughtfully. "So it seems some use you have after all, hm? Yes...!"


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