For Those In The Company of Tiny Persons

As ours is a world peopled by those of many sizes, one must inevitably encounter someone to whom one will be viewed as a giant. How we conduct ourselves in such situations will have a lasting effect upon the image of both ourselves and our respective species. Such tiresome excuses as "they should know enough to get out of our way" are strictly for the boorish and uncultivated; those who wish to avoid such an appearance may observe these simple rules:

  • If you do not know someone, do not pick him up without first asking leave.

  • Never grasp a tiny person between the fingers. They are fragile and sensitive to even the slightest pinch.

  • Likewise, it is rude to hold a tiny person in a closed fist. Such a posture is an assertion of dominance and control, or even ownership, and is not conducive to relaxed discourse.

  • If you wish to pick up someone who is very small, lay your hand down with the palm open and invite your company to climb thereupon at his own will.

  • Always lift and carry a small person in the open palm with the fingers gently cupped to provide security yet not so far curled as to allow the claws to overshadow him; the movement of the hand and arm must remain very slow and steady so as not to disorient the passenger.

  • Hold a tiny person at the level of your eye, gazing neither down nor up at him.

  • Speak in hushed tones or whisper to a tiny person so as not to cause damage to the eardrums. Be mindful to of the possibility that your voice, echoing through vocal chords that may be larger than your companion's body, may be of a frequency beyond the range of comprehension of some species; take no offense, neither show impatience if your party fails to understand your words.

  • When encountering a tiny person who is on the ground but who wishes not to be handled, it is impolite for you to remain standing. It is acceptable to kneel or to sit with the legs folded, and in both instances with the hands resting comfortably upon the thighs. The eyes should be averted so as to focus upon a point midway between you and your party.

  • A tiny person should not sit or stand upon the shoulder of a larger. While some find it fanciful, be mindful that the smallest shrug or shift of weight may cause your party to lose his balance.

  • At every moment be aware of the position of the tail. It is often spoken in glib tones by those of ill breeding, but in truth your tail has no mind of its own. It is an appendage, and the mere fact that it often resides beyond the realm of our sight is no excuse for negligence.

  • At no time must you show the bottom of the foot to a tiny person. Particularly when standing, this presents an image that is both degrading and threatening, and at other times, risks causing dismay should the sole bear any evidence of a careless tread.

  • Do not reach over the head of a tiny person, neither lean so as to place him beneath you.

  • Do not lean upon small buildings. That is just stupid.

  • When engaged in conversation with a tiny person be mindful at every moment of the quality of the breath and the cleanliness of the teeth. It is acceptable to excuse yourself should you realize the need to remove bits of meat, wood, clothing, &c.

  • Pick not the teeth in the company of a tiny person, particularly if any detritus might be recognizeable.

  • Playful teasing in the company of a tiny friend can be amusing, but great care must be exercised to ensure that the amusement is mutual. Watch closely for signs of genuine delight and equally closely for signs of genuine dismay, any evidence of which is a clear indication that the play must cease.

  • Should you desire modesty, choose garments that assure such from all directions, not just from above.

  • If intimate contact is desired, the need to exercise caution cannot be overstressed. Semen is a heavy fluid and a powerful ejaculation may carry sufficient force to break bones. Similarly, the contraction of muscles at the point of orgasm cannot be controlled by force of will and is certain to cause no small harm. Be mindful at all times of the relative size and weight of the sexual organs relative to a tiny person.

  • Should you happen to step upon a tiny person, do not stand upon the body or otherwise attempt to hide the act. While frail, tiny persons are surprisingly resilient, and the outcome may greatly be improved with prompt medical attention. Showing the proper level of remorse for your imprudence will impress upon onlookers that you are indeed a being of strong moral character.

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